 The Experience of Freshness From: Charlie
John, I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your web page. Just reading it caused me to have my own moment of freshness. Not because it was profound, which it was, but because I immediately knew you were talking about me. Obviously not me per se, but a perfect description of what I have always known was my deepest problem. With description so precise that it brought about an instant feeling of peace - It wasn't just me, I'm not crazy or alone. I've never thought of the process as ego, but rather as the noise in my head. Everything always seems so clear, so easy to deal with, or simply not worth worrying about, during those rare and fleeting moments when the noise turns off. A moment of perfect harmony in the soul, when I'm simply in the present and at peace. The whole section defining Ego is fantastic, but it was this paragraph that really did it for me. "Subconscious gossip, the ongoing grip of our ego, makes for a rather claustrophobic experience. This claustrophobia is felt as a continuous subtle suffering. Most of us are not really aware of this dull ache. We think of it as "me" and simply take it for granted." I think I am an aware person, honest with myself, continual in my efforts to improve myself, and constantly analyzing the why and the how - which of course is a huge part of the problem. Once I became aware of the noise in my head, or as you put it, the clouds blocking the sun, it didn't help, it started driving me mad. Not off the deep end mad, I'm not a total lunatic, but I have a feeling you might understand what I am saying. I saw the problem, realized it was the problem, caught glimpses of the sun through the clouds, but have not been able to fix the problem. Your defining of the Ego has put into words so many things I had known all along, but as of yet, had not been able to put into conscious thought. Things have always worked like that for me, I would struggle with understanding something about myself, and puzzle, and puzzle, and puzzle, and sooner or later the whole picture would form itself into a conscious form of thought I could express verbally. Once I could do that whatever I was stressing, or trying to figure out would suddenly and instantly become so much easier to deal with, or simply go away. It's basically like changing a hypothesis to a theory, conjecture to fact. Even if you don't like the facts of the theory, fact is fact, and denying the truth or trying to change what simply can not be has never been a problem of mine. As long as I recognize it for fact - while it's a hypothesis though, there is always doubt. The noise has been the worst though, I can't even remember how long I've been struggling with this one. I'd just recently begun thinking I was never going to puzzle this one out, that it was simply beyond me. Maybe I would have, maybe not, but it has been driving me mad - and again, not like literally going crazy mad, I'm a rational adult - promise. Heh. - but man has it been painful. Reading that section on Ego, it was the click for me, the light bulb finally turned on, that page describes me, my thoughts, and my feelings to the letter. It puts into thought things I've always known, but haven't quite been able to get a grip on. Do I think I'm cured? Hah. I said I was a rational adult, I don't expect to suddenly be ego free all the time, constantly in a state of freshness - but man do I feel good. I've been in a state of freshness the entire time I've been writing this letter, and it's taken me awhile even though it's all been flowing out pretty easily. And trust me - I wouldn't normally be blathering on to some total stranger about the static in my head, but I owe you a debt and I don't even know you. I just wanted to say thanks. For the first time in a long time, I feel free from myself. Maybe it'll disappear moments after I finish this letter, but that's ok, I'm confident I will get it back again. Once I understand something, I always make progress. Ah, as I reread this letter, boy is it an odd one. Uh oh, there comes a little cloud floating across the sky. Ah well, that's all part of the process isn't it? -Chuckle- Thanks John
Charlie
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